The Girl
by RedMacaque
Summary: After becoming desperate from never having a girlfriend, Kyle meets a girl online. There's something familiar about her that he can't pinpoint, and it takes him awhile to put his finger on it.


Kyle looked up at the clock on the wall. It was almost 4:00, the time his favorite TV show usually came on during Saturdays. He ran downstairs to the TV in a frantic, but stopped midway when he saw his little brother, Ike, already watching it. "Dammit! Terrance and Phillip is on. Can't you go somewhere else?" he begged.

Ike didn't move, but simply looked up at his older brother with his beady Canadian eyes. An empty stare that meant "no", to put it simple.

"But I want to watch it!" Kyle demanded. He was casually given the middle finger as Ike resumed watching his own program. It was a pointless news show, nothing nearly as important as T&P. Kyle growled and stole the remote out of his brother's hand. He pressed the channel buttons and changed it to the channel Terrance and Phillip usually showed on. The "stupid channel", as his family would call it.

Ike screamed loudly in protest. Their mother hurried into the room with a phone against her ear, her hand placed on her hips. "What on Earth was that screaming about?"

"Kyle won't let me watch TV!" Ike whined in his innocent tone. He wasn't an idiot; he knew how to act to get his way.

Kyle rolled his eyes. "No ma, he won't let me watch TV!"

"Kyle, you know your brother likes to watch the world news. Besides, it's probably much more educational than that garbage you watch!" Sheila said in a matter-of-fact manner. She waved a hand for them to keep it down and then walked away. Meanwhile, Ike resumed his attention to the television, where they talked about boring news in Uganda.

Kyle decided to give it another try. "Come on Ike, they don't play this episode very often, and I need to see it!"

"Go get a life!" his brother grumbled, not bothering to turn his head from his program. Ike knew that sometimes, his big brother acted like a real retard.

Kyle furrowed his eyebrows. "You're telling me to get a life? You're the one watching boring old people stuff on TV! What kind of eleven year old watches this stuff anyway?"

"It's very important, Kyle." Ike said simply, not looking away from the screen. "Why don't you go hang out with your friends, or something?"

Kyle sighed. "My friends are busy today! Let me watch it, dammit, or I'll give you a wedgie!"

"A wedgie? Psh, grow up. Go get a girlfriend or something, then you won't be such a loser all the time!" Ike snapped back at him.

Kyle swallowed a lump in his throat. "A girlfriend?! I'm only..sixteen."

Ike didn't respond, he just shook his head lamely. Kyle thought for a moment, before coming up with a reasonable retort. "Most guys don't even have girlfriends at my age. Not many of my friends do. So ha! That's a stupid argument."

Ike looked away from his program this time, raising an eyebrow at him. "Oh yeah? I'm only eleven, and I've had more girlfriends than you!"

"Bullcrap!" Kyle argued, crossing his arms in defense.

"Nuh uh, you've never had a girlfriend. But I've had dozens." Ike taunted, pretending to count them off on his fingers.

"Yeah right. Even if you're true, it's probably just because you bribe them by doing their homework or something." Kyle reasoned.

"Or it's because I'm just very attractive." his little brother explained smugly. "I'm so glad I don't look like anyone in this family."

Kyle furrowed his eyebrows at Ike, who was grinning widely. "Canadians all look exactly the same anyway!" he growled, and stomped back up the stairs, muttering another incomprehensible insult at his little brother. He hated his brother. Particularly when Ike used the same old "girlfriend" argument against him. He could never come up with a good argument back at him, and it worked in Ike's favor every time. Whenever Ike mentioned it, he would feel defeated.

He slammed the door shut in his bedroom and sat down at the computer. He was beginning to think that maybe his little brother was right. Instead of getting angry, he should just prove him wrong. So naturally, he did the first thing that came to mind. After bringing up the internet, he went on Google and did an online search for "How to get a girlfriend". Anytime he had a homework problem, the internet helped him, so the answer to his girl dilemma must be here too.

After pressing search, a bunch of dating websites for adults popped up. Useless. He scrolled down the list, finding nothing until he came across one that seemed somewhat interesting. It read "Randomchat: Find friends, chat anonymously." Kyle clicked it and found himself being connected to a web-cam chat.

Reluctantly, he clicked on it. He'd been on one of these websites before, and knew how they worked. Normally, after connecting with a stranger, you find a guy jacking off. You connect again, and find another guy jacking off. He closed one eye and clicked the "connect" button, expecting the expected.

No surprise there, a man jacking off showed up on the screen. He cringed and clicked the "next" button, ending up with the same thing again. The following ten minutes were spent clicking next to a seemingly never ending amount of everything he didn't want to see, with a few weird people in masks and costumes here and there. One person had scotch tape all over their face. Kyle was about to give up, when he finally connected with the first normal person. She was quite pretty, despite being a little bit chubby.

Okay, more than a little bit chubby, but she had great boobs, and nice hair. Her face looked like it was caked in makeup and she had a double chin, but it didn't detract from her cleavage. He watched as the girl waved coyly and then stopped, looking horrified. This didn't help his self esteem. Was he that ugly that he scared people away? She continued to stare at the screen with a dead expression. Kyle thought there was something familiar about her, although he wasn't sure what it was.

Confused, he waved back, and then typed "Hello" in the chat box. Not having a microphone was great, since he wasn't all that good at talking to girls in person. The girl seemed to hesitate in typing a response. She seemed to be weirded out, and Kyle predicted she would probably "next" him. But when she didn't, he was surprised.

"Hi :-)" came the text. Wow, a text smiley from a real girl. He felt special.

"How are you?" He wrote back. He watched as she typed a response, trying to figure out what it was about her that seemed familiar.

"Fine and u?" was the response, and she shifted her tank top around to cover herself more. Kyle found himself staring at her boobs still. He considered complimenting them, but remembered that most girls don't like perverted creeps. Although, he wasn't sure about this girl. "I'm great. ASL?" He typed back.

She tapped her chin coyly before writing back. "17/F/Colorado, and u?"

Kyle was excited. "Wow cool! Same here. Except I'm 16, and not a chick." he typed back.

The girl seemed to chuckle loudly at that, although he couldn't hear her because it was just text chat. "Ur so silly!" she wrote.

Kyle didn't know what to write next, so he just wrote "Want to be friends?"

"Sure ;)" the girl typed back, grinning.

"I'm Kyle. What's your name?" Kyle asked.

"Heather ;)" the girl twisted her hair flirtatiously. She had really pretty hair.

Just then, Kyle's mother called him down for dinner. He didn't want to end the conversation, but didn't want to piss off his mother either. "Nice to meet you Heather. Sorry but I have to go! Do you have Skype?"

Heather frowned but then shrugged. "Yeah. What's ur username?"

"69ingchipmunks" he wrote back, a little embarrassed to still be using that old nickname.

Luckily, she seemed to find it amusing. "Haha ok, I'll add u." was her response.

"Cool :D" Kyle write back, grinning from ear to ear. "Maybe we can talk there in 30 minutes. I'll be back then!"

"Ok!" Heather replied, waving innocently.

* * *

It was now after midnight. Kyle was just shutting down his computer. He'd spent the entire night chatting with the girl he met. They talked about school, parents, friends, etc. It turned out that Heather went to a high school near Colorado, not too far away from South Park. Kyle felt a tinge of excitement as he thought he might have a shot at getting a real girlfriend. They briefly discussed meeting each other sometime, but had no plans to meet so far.

It wasn't until two weeks of chatting every night did they have their first phone call. Kyle was a little bit surprised by her voice, it wasn't what he expected. Something about her voice was unusual but still pleasant. They talked on the phone for 30 minutes about random things, laughing about this and that. Finally, they decided they would meet at a place in Denver the coming weekend, on Saturday. And so, with anticipation, Kyle counted the days until they would meet.

* * *

That Saturday morning, Kyle rolled out of bed early. He had trouble sleeping the night before. He was a little nervous about meeting this girl. It definitely seemed like she was into him, so he might not have to worry so much about making a good impression...but he still felt the need to look presentable. He was feeling self conscious about his unruly hair. That morning he took a long hot shower, and blow dried his hair with some styling mousse. Ike stood watching in the bathroom doorway, giggling. "Whatcha tryin to look good for? Your internet girlfriend?"

Kyle gasped. "How do you know about that?"

Ike snickered back at him. "I heard you on the phone. So..looks like big brother is finally turning into a man!" he playfully punched his brother in the arm.

"Ow." Kyle whimpered, rubbing his arm.

"Okay, maybe not.." Ike chuckled again. He leaned in and whispered in Kyle's ear, "_There's condoms in my bedroom dresser if you need em_."

Kyle looked at his brother, mortified. "What the hell, Ike?! No, I don't need those! And why do you have them, anyway? You're only eleven!"

Ike scurried out of the bathroom before he could be lectured by Kyle about underage (or in this case, _very_ underage) sex.

Kyle just shook his head and continued trying to tame his crazy locks.

Ike helped his socially retarded brother pick out an outfit with the clothes he usually reserved for nice occasions, but Kyle felt it make him look too old and sophisticated.

* * *

Kyle stepped onto the bus as it pulled up, handing his ticket to the driver. He then took a seat towards the back of the bus, fidgeting with his hands as he sat. He hoped he didn't dress too nicely, he didn't want the girl to think he was desperate or anything. He looked down at his khaki slacks and sweater, thinking how ridiculous he felt wearing this shit. He shouldn't have trusted his stupid little brother.

After a 30 minute ride into Denver, the bus neared his stop. He took a deep breath and stepped off, scanning the area for the street he was supposed to meet her at. He followed along the street until he saw a plaza with an outdoor water fountain. He went over to the fountain and sat along the side of it for a few minutes. They were to meet at 1:30, but he waited until 1:42. He watched dark gray clouds begin to cover the sky. Before he knew it, it was beginning to drizzle. And he still didn't see the girl anywhere.

Kyle shrugged his shoulders, wondering if he'd been stood up. He waited for awhile longer in anxiety, the wet rain soaking his hair and outfit. He finally decided it was time to leave. As he stood up to go, he felt someone tapping his shoulder. He whirled around to see a rather hefty girl near his height, with long shiny hair. She wore a pink tank top, a red skirt with matching heels and flower barrets in her hair. Her makeup was piled on heavy. "Kyle, right?" she said in a mysterious voice.

Kyle froze for a moment. Something felt strange, but he couldn't pinpoint it, it was like deja vu. "Heather? I, uh, didn't know if you were coming or not.." he said nervously, fidgeting with the hem of his sweater.

"Sorry!" she cleared her voice. "Traffic was bad. You look so nice today! Nice..sweater!" she complimented, though it seemed there was a slight hint of hesitation in her voice.

"Thanks. Um, you look nice too. Did you have anything in mind what we'll do?" he replied, staring up at the raining sky. They walked under the shelter of the side of a building nearby. He took a moment to get a better look at her face. Something about her looked awfully familiar, like they had met before. And she definitely looked different in person than on webcam. Bigger then he had expected, but he didn't want to say anything and make the girl self conscious.

"Oh, yes I do! I know a great place to eat over that way, wanna go?" she said excitedly.

Kyle felt like a dick at that moment, as he had to mentally stop himself from making a joke about the girl's size and her over-excitement to eat. He was on a date, and the girl had taken her time to meet him..even if this girl wasn't exactly hot by normal standards, this was no time to be a dick. "Sure, just lead the way.." he said.

She grabbed his hand and pulled him along down the street. Kyle felt overpowered by the girl's surprising strength. She had a powerful grip. It would almost be impressive, if it weren't so intimidating. Finally they stopped in front of a KFC restaurant.

Kyle chuckled. "Ah. I didn't know this was where you were taking me."

She looked at him with a sudden scowl. "Why? Can't a big girl eat some KFC? Would you rather me eat a salad, huh? Well, you can go screw yourself!"

Kyle cowered in fear. The girl looked pissed as hell, and something about it was eerily familiar. "No, no! I didn't say anything like that! This place is fine, if that's what you like!"

She suddenly changed her frown into a disturbingly sweet smile, and then forcefully grabbed Kyle's hand again, dragging him into the restaurant. He felt like a child the way she was dragging him along, and it was beginning to make him regret this meeting. Her demeanor in person was so much different than how she sounded in chat, and on the phone. He had mistakenly believed she was a sweet, innocent girl.

Before he knew it, she was ordering a bucket of chicken wings, a KFC bowl, two sides of cornbread, a large macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, a milkshake, and two chocolate desserts. Then she looked to Kyle. "And what will you be having?"

Kyle's jaw dropped. He didn't know a girl could eat so much. "Umm..I guess I'll just have a side of mashed potatoes, I'm not very hungry."

"That'll be 42.50 please." the cashier replied. Kyle's jaw dropped once again. Heather made no effort to pay, instead she stared at Kyle expectantly. There was a growing impatience in her eyes that looked a bit scary, so Kyle quickly pulled his wallet out and paid for the food. When their giant order arrived, they took it back to a booth in the corner of the restaurant.

As soon as they sat down, Heather quickly dived into her feast, starting with the chicken wings. Kyle picked at his mashed potatoes with his fork, but was somewhat entranced by the way she tore the chicken wings apart with her teeth. It was like watching a wild animal eat. It was actually making him hungry, all of a sudden. He didn't get any chicken wings with his meal.

"Wow, those must be good. Hey, mind if I try a piece?" he asked reluctantly.

She suddenly stopped chomping and looked up at him. "Oh. Uh, sure." and then she handed him a wing, but not before tearing the skin off the chicken, to gobble down herself.

Kyle looked disappointingly at the naked, skinless piece of chicken. "But..the skin is the best part.." he whimpered.

The girl just laughed maniacally. "Too bad for you, Jew!" she snickered, and then she suddenly covered her mouth, as if shocked by her own words.

Kyle went silent and stared at the girl, who had also gone silent. He never recalled mentioning to Heather that he was Jewish. "Why did you just call me Jew?"

Heather went red in the face. "Uhm..well, your uhm, because your nose, yeah."

Kyle covered his nose with his hand, embarrassed. "Jesus, is it that bad?"

Heather shook her head. "No, it's charming, in fact! I know your people can't help having giant noses. Oh, and the fact you were reluctant to pay for the meal gave it away."

Kyle felt humiliated and irritated at the same time. "Excuse me?"

Heather promptly ignored his irritable tone and started gathering up the rest of her food and placing it into a bag. "Well, this was a nice meal, thanks so much!" she said in a syrupy sweet tone. "Maybe we can do this again some other time?" then she sauntered off in her heels, leaving Kyle at the table by himself.

Kyle was fuming. He stood up and ran after the girl, finding her outside of the restaurant. By now, the sun was out again and it had stopped raining. He approached her from behind and quickly grabbed her hair, pulling off what turned out to be a wig.

"I knew it!" he screamed, holding the brown wig in his hands. Heather's true identity had been revealed. "Cartman, you asshole! You fucking asshole! Arghh!" he started hitting him and tried to pin him on the ground, but Cartman escaped his grip and fled, carrying the bag of KFC with him.

He shrieked and ran down the street. Kyle ran after him, rage boiling in his veins. Seeing how Cartman couldn't run on any normal day, much less alone in heels, he caught up with him easily, tackling him once again and knocking him onto the sidewalk. They got into a slapping match, before Cartman finally gave up, panting breathlessly. "Alright! You got me, Kahl.."

Kyle looked down at Cartman angrily. He couldn't believe it. After all of those conversations they had. This had to be the most elaborate deception thus far. He'd even told some personal secrets about himself which he would have never considered telling if he knew it was really Cartman all along. Cartman had him truly convinced that..he was a girl named Heather, and that she liked him!

"You'd better explain or I'm going to turn your face purple!" he growled.

Cartman cowered and covered his face, even though he was pinned to the ground by Kyle. "Okay, okay..no need for violence Kahl. I can explain.."

"Well explain, then, god dammit!" Kyle yelled.

"I, uhmm..I kind of..well..oh God..this is embarrassing..but." Cartman took a deep breath. "I was just curious, okay? I wanted to see how much attention I would get online by dressing like a chick. It was, um, a strange curiosity. And then I came across you on there, and I was shocked when you didn't recognize me, so I kind of went along with it. And it just, well...it got out of control. I couldn't bring myself to reveal the truth."

Kyle seethed through his teeth. "So you made me waste all that time talking to a girl who didn't exist, waste my weekend to come meet her, and waste $40 on your fatass meal?"

Cartman chuckled. "heh heh..I told you Jews hate spending money."

Kyle punched Cartman in the face.


End file.
